


Heterosexual Man

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-31
Updated: 1998-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Spender and Bill Jr. get it on. Ick.





	Heterosexual Man

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Heterosexual Man by by Halrloprillalar

SUMMARY: Spender and Bill Scully Jr get it on. Ick.  
SPOILERS: Up to RatB.  
RATED: R. M/M slash, lots of bad language.  
DISCLAIMER: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own the X-Files, not me.  
NOTES: For a Spender/Bill Jr challenge. How scary is it that I was already thinking of this story when the challenge was issued?

* * *

Heterosexual Man  
by Halrloprillalar  
<>

Dana Scully sat on the couch with her feet on the coffee table, fudge ripple in her bowl, and a summer romance in her hand.

"Oh, Sir John, you should not be here in my chamber. What if my father finds you?" Elizabeth's bosom heaved in her scanty nightgown as Sir John fixed her with burning eyes.

"My love, I would risk anything to be with you. You know we are meant to be together." He crushed her to him, kissing her deeply as the flames of passion blazed around them.

The chocolate slowly melted in Scully's mouth. She turned the page.

BZZZZZ.

Scully sighed, got up from the couch, and pressed the "talk" button.

"Who's there?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Who is it?"

"It's Jeff."

"Jeff who?"

"Jeff Spender. Can you let me in?"

Reluctantly, she pushed the "door" button and waited for him to get to her apartment. He took a long time.

Scully opened the door to a disheveled and inebriated Agent Spender. As soon as he got inside, he started to cry.

Scully manoeuver him over to a chair and left him while she put on a pot of coffee. Then she gritted her teeth, grabbed a box of tissues, and went back to try to get some sense out of him.

"Agent Scully," he sniffled, "I don't have anyone else to turn to. My mom is still gone and I mi-i-iss her."

Awkwardly, she patted him on the shoulder and held out the tissues. He took one and blew his nose loudly and wetly.

"I know you're upset, Agent Spender, but I don't think drinking is going to help. Have you been eating?"

"Call me Jeff, please!" He seized her hand with wet fingers. Scully tried to convince herself the dampness was just tears.

"Oh, Dana, can I call you Dana?"

"No, I think you'd better call me Agent Scully."

At this he started sobbing copiously. He pulled a flask out of his jacket and took a swig, then held it out to her.

"Ah, no thank you. And I think you'd better have some coffee. It's almost ready."

Just as she was getting up to check, the door buzzer sounded again.

"Who is it?"

"Dana, it's Bill. Let me in."

When she opened the door, he was swaying on her welcome mat, red faced, red eyed, and, oh God, carrying a case of beer.

"I had a fight with Tara and she kicked me out. I don't have anywhere else to go. Mom wouldn't let me stay with her." He started to cry and stumbled past Scully into the living room.

Scully hurried after him and found the two men staring at each other, silent and weeping.

"Bill, this is Agent Jeffrey Spender, a colleague of mine. Agent Spender, this is Bill Scully, my brother."

They shook hands, pumping for a long time as they bonded in their sorrow.

"Tell you what, boys, I think you could both use some time to think and relax, so I'm going to go out. I, uh, might go see Mom and try to talk to her for you, Bill, so I might not be back."

Even if I lose my damage deposit, she thought, it will be worth it to get out of here. And the door slammed as she left.

"Have a beer, Jeff." Bill opened the case and pulled out two cans.

"Thanks Bill. You're a good guy." He snuffled a little as he popped the top.

"You too, Jeff. Hey, how come you're here?" His eyes narrowed dangerously. "You and Dana aren't...?"

"No, no. I don't think she even likes me. But I didn't know where else to go. My mom...aliens or the government or something took my mom, again!" The tears ran down his face again. "I just miss her so much."

"I hear ya, bud. My wife threw me out. Just because I wanted to watch the football game instead of watch the baby. It's her *job* to watch the baby! But now I miss them both!" Bill sobbed, rubbing his nose on the back of his hand. "Well, better drink up."

They both downed the beer and tossed the cans on the floor.

Spender cracked another open, while Bill fiddled with the stereo.

"Got to have some music while we drink."

He found a local rock station and turned it up two notches above where Scully had it set. Then he grabbed a beer and tried to catch up with Spender.

"Hey, Jeff, why don't you think Dana likes you? You seem like a really great guy." He belched after chugging the second half of his beer.

"I don't know, probably because of that stupid Mulder. I think she likes him."

"Mulder, that bastard! If he even looks at her funny, I'll, I'll...I'll kill him."

"You don't like him either? How come?"

Bill spat onto Scully's clean white carpet. "That fucker fucked up our whole fucking family. It's *his* fault Dana got abducted and got cancer and got all weird. It's *his* fault that Missy was killed. Oh, Mi-i-issy." The tears ran down Bill's cheeks.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry. That bastard. I bet it was his fault my mother got taken. *He* talked to her even when I told him not to. It was him!"

"Fuck Mulder!"

"Fuck fucking Mulder!"

Bill was distracted by the radio and went to turn it up another notch.

"Hey, Jeff, you like this song?"

It was the Odds.

I wanna make every woman I see  
I wanna make every woman I see  
Do you know what's the matter with me?  
I'm a heterosexual man  
Just a heterosexual man

"C'mon, Jeff, this is a great song." Bill grabbed another beer, and pulled Spender to his feet. They sloshed from side to side in approximate time to the music.

I wanna get every girl unclothed  
We kiss and hug and then we disrobe  
It's a short circuit in the frontal lobe  
'cause I'm a heterosexual man.  
It's just a problem with my glands

"Wheee!" Spender spun around and splashed beer onto Bill's shirt. "Oh, shit, I'm sorry, man."

"No problem, man. It's cool."

When the song changed, they collapsed onto the couch, sitting side by side. Bill slung his arm over Spender's shoulders as they hoisted another beer.

"That's what we need right now, some girls." Bill pulled Spender's head around to look drunkenly into his face.

"What about your wife?"

"Oh, yeah. Better not then."

They sat for a few minutes in drunken silence as the music blared around them, then Bill yanked Spender's neck again.

"I bet we'd do better than that fucking bastard though."

"Mulder? Yeah, we'd get better girls than that spooky scumbag any day."

"I bet Mulder can't even get it up for them."

That was so funny that they laughed for a good two minutes.

"Bill, if Mulder were here, what would you do?"

"I'd beat the shit out of him."

"Yeah, I'd help you. Fucking wuss."

Bill sang tunelessly, "I'm a heterosexual man."

They had more beer.

"Fuck Mulder."

"Yeah, good idea, Jeff, that's what I'd do, fuck Mulder, fuck him good, show him what a *real* man is."

"Yeah, Bill, then I'd fuck him too. He'd be sorry he ever messed with us."

"Should we call him? Maybe he'd come over then we could."

"No, I don't want to see him ever again." Spender burst into tears and buried his head on Bill's shoulder.

"Hey, buddy, don't cry, it's OK." Bill stroked Spender's hair. "It's OK."

"Bill, you're my best friend."

"And you're mine, Jeff."

"I mean it, I love you man."

"I love you too, man."

They grappled in a manly, bonding hug that toppled both of them from the couch and tangled them up on the floor. They lay that way for a while, too tired and drunk and full of pure love to move.

Bill stared at Jeff, nose to nose, beer breath a haze around their heads.

"Kiss me, Jeff. I want you to kiss me."

"Sure Bill, I love you."

They mashed their mouths together in a sloppy, sour smooch that went on and on.

"Oh, Bill, you're a great kisser."

"So are you, Jeff. You're the best."

They necked blearily, pawing and groping each other, pulling at each other's clothing. Spender scrabbled at Bill's pants and moved his hand down onto Bill's groin.

"You're so hard, Bill."

"You are too, Jeff." Bill squeezed Spender through his slacks.

"Fuck me, Bill, I love you so much."

"Anything, Jeff, buddy."

They struggled out of their clothes and clumsily they made the beast with two cocks on Scully's white shag carpet, Bill fucking Spender from behind, Spender coming hard onto a beer stain he'd made earlier.

"Oh, God, Bill, you're beautiful."

"So are you Jeff. We sure showed that fucker Mulder, didn't we?"

"We sure did, Bill. He won't mess with us again."

And they passed out, snoring, stuck to each other, and dreamed sweet dreams of fucking Mulder.

F I N I S

If you haven't thrown up by now, write me at <> and let me know.


End file.
